Under The Wing
by z-janina
Summary: What if Lee just isn't satisfied by he and Kara being just the CAG and hotshot pilot? My version of the scene in Maelstrom.


Spoilers: Maelstrom & Taking a Break From all Your Worries

Author: z_janina

--------------------------------------------

**Under The Wing**

Lee looks over the last of the damage reports the Chief just handed him regarding the most recent CAP: There's four more gaskets needing replacement, a faulty throttle actuator on Helo's raptor, and an ever-growing list of hull damage from various encounters with the Cylons and the harsh environment of space. Pretty standard stuff really.

He lets out a big sigh and scratches his head. Where the Chief manages to find all the spare parts he uses to keep his birds in the air is beyond him. All he knows is that he's thankful, even if his Viper is being held together by shoelaces and chewing gum. If only everything in his life was so easily fixable... Shaking his head, he refocuses on the task at hand.

He's about to sign off on the document when Tyrol nudges his arm and points toward the nearest Viper. Lee's not quite sure what he's intimating until Galen speaks.

"Major. She's just sitting there." Lee looks over at the bird again and sees Kara sitting there alone, under the wing.

Lee turns back to Galen, a little dumbfounded. "Well, did you talk to her?"

Both men just stare at each other. The chief pauses before answering, giving him a knowing look; a mixture of annoyance as well as understanding. Lee never could fault Tyrol for his observational skills. "You talk to her."

Lee looks unsure but nods. Walking over to Kara he notices for the first time in as long as he can remember, she looks terrified. After everything she has been through, for the first time, he's truly afraid for her. Even after learning of that personal hell on New Caprica she had been caged in, Lee knew that Starbuck would win out in the end. Looking at her now, he's not quite so sure. He sits down next to her, under the wing of her Viper. She has that cocky Starbuck smile on her face that might convince some people. But Lee's not some people.

He looks at her and he can already tell that she knows she's not fooling him.

Lee sits down next to her, breathing in her familiar scent of engine grease and standard issue soap. He doesn't say anything, just waits for her to lead the conversation. After a few seconds of silence, Kara looks at him. Typical Starbuck, she tries to make light of the situation.

"Feelin' sorry for me?'

She breaks the eye contact quickly and looks away. He can remember a time when it seemed to be an undefined contest between them. A continual challenge from her, inviting him to try and hold his gaze against the mighty Starbuck. This time, Lee wins. He continues to watch her even after she looks away.

"Kara, everyone gets rattled. Even the best."

She's got that smirk on her face again. Hoping against all ends that she can just will her problems away with just a smile and a wink. _If only that worked for all of us_, he thinks. Lee feels his gut wrench at that smirk. Could seeing a bogie really have her this rattled?

As if reading his mind, she replies. "I'm not going back out there." She shakes her head. "I don't trust myself."

The vulnerability in her voice makes it clear it's Kara answering this time.

Gods, he thinks, if she of all people has lost hope in herself then he'll truly be lost. Lee can't let that happen. He says the first thing that comes to mind, the only real solution. "So trust me. I'll fly your wing."

Just like that, the Starbuck facade is back. She scoffs at his suggestion, smiling at him as if he's playing some stupid joke on her. "The CAG fly my number 2? Ha."

And he will. It sounds crazy, but he'd do anything for her. Almost anything... He tries not to think about that.

This time she does turn to hold his gaze and he's peering right into her. It seems like it's been forever since he's _really_ looked at her. He'd forgotten how much he loves her short hair. How it reminds him of that first night they met. He can see how tired she looks too, even more so than that first week, that waking nightmare when the Cylons came every 33 minutes. Her eyes have lost their sparkle; her walk no longer seems to have the same swagger.

She looks like she's given up. A feeling Lee knows all too well.

"Whatever it takes." Lee needs to make her understand this if nothing else. As atonement for all his sins over the years, Lee mentally prays to the Gods he doesn't believe in for the strength to do whatever it takes for this women beside him.

She stares back, her face changing, becoming more serious, before she breaks away first, again.

"How are things with you and Dee?"

Gods, of all the questions for her to ask, why did she pick that one? Doesn't she realize how much he's been tortured since that day? How much he wished he could change the way things turned out?

Almost immediately he's brought back to that day in the pilots' ready room...

-------------------------------------------------------

"_What are you saying?" He's angry. Angry that she's taken this long to make up her mind- if she's even done that. _

"_If I leave Sam...will you still leave Dee?" She looks so timid, afraid to even ask the question that he's sure has been weighing on her as much as it has on himself._

"_My Gods Kara, I mean how do I know that tomorrow you're not going to pull another 180?" He doesn't mean to but he's practically yelling at her now. Her face is so close he can almost taste her. Even as he's yelling, screaming almost, he wonders if this is what he wanted so badly, then why is he fighting so hard? _

"_I mean these are our frakking marriages we're talking about here! It's not just some dog fight that we can just dink our way out of!" If only it was. Apollo & Starbuck ruling the skies once again. He'd go back to those times in an instant. He won't admit it to her, but her question scares the shit out of him. _

_Her face falls then hardens."Think about it Lee...that's what you're best at."_

And think about it he did. Those couple days of indecision were some of the worst of his life. He could hardly believe his ears when she offered the ultimatum. He desperately wanted to be with Kara. But in the end he just couldn't risk his heart. Again...

Waking up alone that morning on New Caprica was hard enough, but the knowledge of where (and who) Kara had run off to had destroyed him. And then Dee was there, quietly waiting to return him back to their home. His proposal was a complete act of desperation. The need to grab onto something, anything that could possibly help heal the gaping hole that had bored straight through his chest. Dee sensed this, she was an incredibly intelligent and perceptive woman after all. But in the end, she said yes.

A decision needs to be made: Kara or Dee? Fire or Ice? In the end he chose Dee. She _is_ good for him. He never comes home with black eyes when he's with her. With Dee his voice never becomes so rasped and hoarse from just trying get his point across. Life is just so much _easier_ with Dee. The burns he received from Kara last time still haven't healed.

-----------------------------------------------------

Kara's still expecting an answer and Lee stumbles a bit as he returns to the present. "Uh...you know, good. No, better than good. Best they've ever been."

He looks a little unsure of his words but doesn't elaborate. Can she tell that he's lying to himself? Yes, things with Dee have indeed been the best they've ever been. But is that really the best for him? Is it good enough?

Things with Dee are straightforward, clear and simple. She is the perfect, loving, doting wife.

Things with Kara have always been so difficult. Never easy, always complicated. Always a fight.

For a long time, he told himself that marrying Dee, choosing to stay with her, to make this marriage work was the right thing to do. He didn't want to be the kind of husband—the kind of father—that his father was.

But did he just choose the safe option; the easier way out? Is easy what he needs? It seems Lee always chooses what's best for everyone else. Never for himself. He chose Dee because he didn't want to hurt her anymore than he already had. However, that may have only worked for her. Lee couldn't deny it anymore. He just wasn't happy.

He misses the rush he used to get during a simple argument with Kara over CAP rotations. How Starbuck & Apollo flew together so completely it was like they could finish each other's sentences, read each other's thoughts. He misses losing his last pair of clean socks to her at the triad table, all the while listening to her gloat. Running through the halls of Galactica early in the morning, always pushing each other just a few corridors further. Working late into the night in his office with her by his side, helping to finish his mountain of paperwork. And as much as he's tried not to think about it, no night with Dee has ever compared to Kara. And he's never tried to convince himself that it ever will.

"I'm happy for you...really." She smiles and he can see she genuinely means it. Somehow that hits him like a punch, He feels adrenaline, maybe even panic, rushing through him, and he has to struggle to focus when she speaks again. "It's funny though, after all we've been through. We are right back where we started. You're CAG, and I'm your hotshot problem pilot." They both laugh at the absurdity of it all. Kara's laugh stops abruptly and he can tell that she doesn't think the situation is amusing at all, no matter how much she's trying to fake it.

She pauses, with a twisted sad smile and her voice is softer when she speaks again.

"I guess that's all we'll ever be now."

As Kara says these last words, it's as if something snaps within Lee. Like a slap in the face, he suddenly feels like he's been awakened from the last few months. Gods, he's been such a coward.

He twists suddenly and grabs Kara by the shoulders, turning her to face him. "No! No, I won't accept that." Looking straight into her face, which looks stunned and confused at his complete 180, he continues. He needs to make her understand. "Kara, what the hell happened to us? We used to be fearless. In and out of the cockpit." He raises his left hand gently to her check, caressing her skin the way he once did under a full moon on a new planet. He's missed just touching her. This is the first time they've had any real contact since her ultimatum.

Kara's breath hitches slightly as he slides his hand down to her jawline, and then tucks a piece of stray hair behind her ear.

"Kara, why do we keep running away from each other?" She is completely speechless by this sudden change but she's not pulling away or making a joke and Lee barrels on, emboldened.

"That first night I met you, we both felt it. The timing was off and the circumstances were wrong, but I knew then we were meant to be together. And I still do. I don't know why we keep fighting it." He takes a moment to collect himself and smiles. "Perhaps the Gods choose Zak as the one to bring us together? If it wasn't for him, you and I would never have met." He can see Kara squirm a little at those words and looks away. He can see she's processing everything he's just thrown at her until eventually she looks up at him again, this time with tears in her eyes. He can see he's getting through to her.

"Why do we keep denying to ourselves what we mean to each other? Why are we so afraid? Instead of facing this, fighting for this, we've both run away and we've both chosen the easy alternative. You with Sam, and me with Dee. We've both frakked up royally."

Kara lets out a small laugh. "Seems it's not just me that's the screw-up anymore."

Lee's smile widens and he laughs as well. "No, I guess we're both guilty of that."

His face sobers and his gaze is serious again as he grasps Kara's hands in his own. "Kara, I'd rather spend the worst day of my life with you, than any other day without you. I need you. You mean the world to me, and I've only been fooling myself believing otherwise"

At the realization of these words, Kara leans in quickly and kisses him. Her hands have grabbed onto his tanks and she's pulling him closer. Lee's so surprised by her reaction that it takes him a moment to process. His memories of kissing Kara have haunted him these past months, but nothing ever compares to the real thing. He grabs the back of her neck, fingers threading through her soft hair and he pulls her in closer, deepening the kiss. She bites his bottom lip slightly, allowing her tongue better access. Lee ghosts kisses along her jaw line, to her ear, and down her neck. She lets out a soft moan and he smiles through the kisses. Something stirs deep in his groin at the sound, and he tries to push that thought away right now. Too many sets of prying eyes on the hangar deck.

They break apart finally when one of the hands drops a noisy tool nearby and they realize where they are. Lee locks his eyes on Kara's looking for some acknowledgment that this is truly what she wants, but her brow is still furrowed. He knows Kara is an "actions speak louder than words" kid of women, but he's still not entirely convinced. The fear he saw earlier still plays across her face. He tables his own need for reassurance for the moment, focusing intently on her pale features.

"What's going on with you, Kara? You know you can tell me anything, right?" She bites her lip and looks at the decking and Lee fights the small frisson of irritation he feels and tries another tack. " I would never have guessed that one day the mighty Starbuck could be afraid of ever climbing in her bird." He leans over slightly, nudging her shoulder with his own.

She slowly turns towards him, and her gaze is over his shoulder, looking at nothing in particular. She blinks several times . After a deep breath, she looks as if she's about to reveal some deep, dark secret. Lee tightens his hold on her arms, bracing her in this small way.

"Lee, do you remember when I interrogated Leoben the first time we met his model?"

Leoben. That frakking excuse for skin. How could he ever forget what he'd done to Kara."Yes, I remember." Lee states through gritted teeth.

"I've been having dreams." She clears her throat. "Nightmares really. They all seem to center around my so-called destiny that he was so obsessed with. This morning's dream had me so frakked up that I went to see the Oracle down in Dogstown."

Lee couldn't believe what he was hearing. Kara was actually opening up to him. He stared back at her with eyes wide, listening intently.

"The Oracle said that Leoben was coming for me again. Soon." Kara's hands are shaking now.

Lee places both his hands on either side of her face and turns her head to him. "Now you listen Kara, I won't ever let that Cylon near you again. So help me Gods if I ever get my hands on that frakker..." His hands are now balled into fists, clenching hard.

This time Kara takes his hands in her own. "I've been seeing things. Visions maybe. I don't even know how to describe it. I think whatever destiny crap Leoben was spouting might be coming to pass." Tears are welling in her eyes, threatening to spill over.

"I- I'm afr—" the words catch in her throat. She swallows hard. She looks up at Lee, her face drawn and cringing, but there's something else there as well, he realizes. Expectation. Her eyes are fixed on his, wide and fearful, as if she's afraid he'll scorn or deny her whatever she wants to ask. As if he could. Kara takes a deep breath, her lips trembling when she parts them to speak. "I...need you."

Hearing those three words he gathers her up in his arms, pulling her head down to rest gently on his shoulder. Kara goes boneless, just lets him do it and he can feel her tears on his neck. "Forget Leoben, and frak destiny. I've always believed that life is what you make of it."

He pulls back again so that he can say this to her face, reaches out to smooth her hair off her damp cheeks. "Kara, we'll get through this. Together."

She looks at him for a moment, then gives a small nod, smiling slowly. He can see that she believes him and Lee feels relief rush through him. Maybe, just maybe things will be different this time round.

He watches as she pulls herself together, lifting a hand to dry her eyes. Sniffling, she stiffens her spine and locks her jaw. Her Starbuck armour now back where it's needed. That old confidence settling over her like a protective cloak once again. He lets out a sigh of relief himself.

But what comes next? Awkward conversations and divorce papers. Dee and Sam are good people. They never deserved to have been dragged into their...mess. Lee feels the guilt settle in and knows it's not going to go away for a long time. But then Kara smiles at him again, her bright eyes sparkling like he hasn't seen them do in weeks. Any hesitation on his part is lost. This is the right decision this time round. He's sure of it.

It's going to be difficult, but definitely worth it. Much like nearly everything they ever seem to do.

"It won't be easy you know." He murmurs. "Are you sure you want this," his breath catches as he pauses, "..._us_, Kara?"

Lee watches Kara's smile widen at his statement. She wraps her arms around him and pulls him into a warm embrace. "Lee, you know I never like anything _too_ easy."


End file.
